When Your Trans Wife Comes Out: Notes from My Marriage and My Therapy Practice
My Story
When I hit my thirties, I finally found my footing. My career was going well, I started my own therapy practice, and I married my spouse. I thought I had a pretty good idea of what the next 5 years would look like. Until my partner came out as trans and decided to start HRT. There was no playbook for that, and no rules to follow.
I searched the internet for blogs from people whose partner had transitioned. I listened to the Gender Rebels Podcast on repeat because their story felt the most relatable to my experience. The podcast features two millennial femmes, one of whom transitioned in the relationship. The story was positive: they stayed together and seemed to be thriving in their lives. It gave me a sense of hope, but I also felt ashamed that my own feelings weren’t all positive. I was terrified of what this meant for my marriage, my relationships, and who I was as a person. As a queer person, I hadn’t fully embraced my bisexuality yet. And let’s face it, it’s a lot easier moving through the world when you’re in a straight-passing relationship.
When your partner transitions, you’ll have no choice but to evaluate your identity, sexuality, and how you want to move forward in the relationship. As a licensed therapist, I combine my lived experience with clinical training in helping partners of trans spouses find their footing.
Everyone Needs Support, Including You
I was desperate for someone to talk to about this. I had a couple of good friends who were amazing support, but they didn’t understand what I was going through. Nobody in my inner circle did. I sought individual therapy, but I felt that therapist had already made up her mind about whether I should stay in the marriage. She had a lot of biases and didn’t understand why my trans partner wanted to stay with me. This was because she assumed every relationship was straight and didn’t specialize in gender identity.
Since I was cisgender, I thought that all I needed was an LGBTQ-friendly therapist. What I needed was a therapist to hold a neutral space where I could sort out my own feelings. What I needed was a true specialist in gender affirming therapy and had experience working with queer relationships. I eventually got that with my next therapist, and it was truly life-affirming. If you have the resources, finding a gender affirming therapist can be helpful. Not just LGBTQ-friendly or queer-allied but someone who truly specializes in working with gender identity.
Couples Therapy
Couples therapy was a game changer for me and my wife. The minute I set foot in her office, I felt immediately at ease. I wasn’t alone anymore, and someone was going to help us. Our couple’s therapist is a true expert in queer and gender affirming care, and it was worth every penny. My partner and I both felt supported and challenged when we needed it. If you have the ability, finding a couples therapist who specializes in queer and trans relationships can be life-changing.
Support Groups: Community With People Who Get It
While my friends were amazing, none of them understood what I was going through. I needed to hear from people who knew what it was like to have a trans partner. It took a while, but I stumbled across a virtual support group for partners and spouses of transgender folks. It felt so good to have a space where I could be honest about the ups and downs of this journey. Even when I felt more settled and excited about the transition, it was still helpful to have my own space. While your experiences are valid, there are some things that shouldn’t be shared with your partner because they can be hurtful. One of my friends is someone I met through that group, and we keep in touch to this day.
Grief but not in the way the internet tells you.
Most articles tell partners to be supportive without acknowledging that grief and support can coexist. You can want your partner to be happy while also feeling sad about losing the vision of the future you had. The reality is that your partner’s gender journey is beyond your control, but it still affects you. It can feel natural to look back on memories with your partner and wonder how they were feeling. While your partner’s gender isn’t about you, it can feel personal.
Regardless of whether you stay together, your future will change. It’s normal to feel sad and scared about that. Major decisions like family planning may need to be put on the back-burner, or your partner may need to pursue fertility preservation before you can conceive. Acknowledging these very real changes will be crucial in finding peace with your new normal.
Your Identity Is Part of This Journey Too
Sexuality and Attraction
Your trans partner’s journey will prompt you to evaluate your sexuality and identity. Maybe you’ve identified as straight or you’re in a queer relationship with a transitioning spouse. Some LGBTQ people fear their queerness will be erased when their partner transitions, and they will be excluded from queer spaces. Some people might not feel attracted to their partner’s new presentation, which can impact intimacy. Your partner’s transition may conflict with your sexuality.
Visibility and Safety in the World
How your relationship shows up in the world will change. You may go from a straight-passing couple to a visibly queer couple. There is a loss of privilege when you are visibly queer in society. You and your partner might need to think about where you go for dinner, whether there are gender neutral bathrooms, and how comfortable you feel holding hands in public. These may be decisions that you never had to think about before.
Imposter Syndrome and "Am I Queer Enough?"
Imposter syndrome can come up if your queer identity was realized through your partner’s transition. While I’ve been bisexual my whole life, I never claimed that identity until my spouse came out. I always felt like I wasn’t queer enough and still struggled with that during the first couple of years of my wife’s transition. It’s only recently that I’ve been able to relax and not care so much about what other people think. Feelings of not being queer enough or trans enough very common among LGBTQ people.
My therapist told me that many queer people didn’t fit neatly into a box or label, and that many people come out later in life. This can be especially true for millennials and older generations because we didn’t have the representation that exists now. Even Gen Z folks don’t necessarily have the “epiphany when they were 12” narrative. I learned that gender and sexuality can change throughout life and that’s not only normal, but something to be celebrated.
Coming out
When your trans partner comes out, you come out too. Not just to your friends, but to your family, your neighbors, your classmates, and anyone you interact with in your life. Some people will be positive, and some people may react negatively. Friends might mean well but still say things that are hurtful. Your game night friends may initially seem supportive, but things feel off whenever you hang out with them. Friendships may abruptly end and some may fade over time. Your partner’s transition will also prompt you to evaluate the people you surround yourself with. You may find that certain friendships don’t serve you anymore, and you may crave more queer connections.
Coming out opens you up to conversations and possible questions from loved ones. Friends and family may ask whether you’re going to stay together. You may not even have the answer to that question but feel pressured to respond. Self-care and boundary setting will become very important in navigating these conversations. You don’t owe anyone an explanation or information you don’t feel comfortable sharing. It’s okay to say, “I don’t know” or “I’m still figuring it out.”
One person asked us invasive questions about whether my partner was getting surgery. Transphobia and lack of education can lead people to feel a sense of entitlement over your trans partner’s sex life and body. You and your partner can decide if and how you want to answer these questions. The nature of your relationship with a person will determine how you want to handle these conversations. You and your partner might feel more willing to educate some people on trans issues where other people you may just need to shut down the conversation.
Do marriages survive gender transitions?
Yes, and some marriages grow stronger when both partners are willing to communicate and extend each other some grace. Gender transition prompts both spouses to be radically honest with themselves and each other. This can create a deeper connection and more intimacy. The self-discovery that comes with your spouse’s transition extends to you too and that can be exciting.
How do I cope with a partner coming out as trans?
Your partner’s transition will bring changes to your relationship and how you move through the world. Finding someone to talk to will be vital during this time. You can talk to a trusted friend and seek a support group for trans partners.
The reality is that even if you’re 100% on board and excited, gender transition can be stressful. Your partner will be going through a lot of emotional and physical changes. Starting HRT can feel like what a lot of people describe as a “second puberty.” Since your partner will be going through so many changes, they simply cannot be your sole support in this area. You’ll likely have some complicated feelings that are better shared with someone else. If the resources are there, a therapist who specializes in gender identity can help you sort through your feelings.
Conclusion
You can support your partner’s transition and take care of yourself too. Supporting your partner doesn’t necessarily mean staying together, but many relationships do survive and even thrive. If your partner or spouse just came out as trans, I’d love to support you. As a therapist with a trans wife, I combine my lived experience with over 15 years of clinical practice. I offer safe space to process your experiences through a variety of modalities including art therapy, IFS, and talk therapy. Whenever you’re ready, you can book a free 20-minute phone or video consultation through my website.
Frequently Asked Questions
-
Educating yourself on transgender experiences can be a great first step. There are a lot of resources on the internet. Ongoing communication and asking what your partner needs can go a long way. Some trans partners want to start using their pronouns right away, while others may want to wait until they start medically transitioning.
Going shopping with your partner can be a fun way to support them and connect. My wife and I spent time browsing You Tube for queer fashion advice. Birthday gifts can be a fun opportunity to give your partner something that is gender affirming.
Depending on your comfort level, you can advocate for your partner at family gatherings. If someone misgenders your spouse or asks an inappropriate question, you can run interference by shutting down the conversation or changing the subject. I recommend that you and your partner discuss how you want to handle these situations. Some trans partners prefer to be the ones to speak up and correct their own pronouns.
-
I recommend that you give it some time for the initial feelings to wear off. It can be hard to make clear decisions when emotions are running high.
Your partner’s transition will prompt a lot of self-reflection from you on who you are and what you want out of a relationship. It can be helpful to ask yourself some of these questions?
What did you like about your partner before they transitioned and how much of that related to gender? Does gender feel like a deal breaker? Are there any aspects of the transition that are a deal breaker?
Some people eventually get to a place where they like the changes in their partner’s journey. Other people realize that they can’t stay in the relationship, which can bring up a lot of sadness and grief. It can be hard to come to this conclusion because you still care about your partner. Finding support through a therapist or even an online community like Trans Partner Subreddit can help you feel less alone.
-
Your sexuality is not defined by who you date and you can’t control who you’re attracted to. Bisexuality doesn’t mean you like men and women equally even though society makes it seem that way. It’s completey normal to have a preferance for one gender. There are so many nuances to sexuality, and you are not any less queer because you don’t want to stay in the relationship. You and your partner deserve to have a relationship that is satisfying and fulfilling.
-
Staying in a relationship because you don’t want to be transphobic isn’t doing either one of you any favors. You can support your partner and still decide to leave the relationship. Couples therapy can be helpful for separating or divorcing. While the separation process is painful, it is ultimately the kindest thing you can do for you and your partner. It will open up a future where both of you can find a partner that truly makes you happy.
